A Difficult Walk - Ronak Ram

TW : Domestic Violence, Sexual Abuse and Bullying

"I remember to the bones the first time when I learned about myself of the vulnerability to abuse and bullies. Growing up in my home wasn’t very homely. The first time I shivered was in the first grade. I was just leaving for school when I saw my Father beating Mom. These are among all the blemished memories that I have in me.

I was that fat boy in class. I wish people who shame others learn that words have the ability to exploit. The ones who I used to call friends, put me as the last option to fit in their team. Maybe I stopped showing how it wrecks my heart to be mocked at, to be touched at my chest or to be laughed at the shop because I was looking for a plus sized pair of jeans for me and the shirt still didn’t fit well to my overgrown stomach. “Why don’t you wear a bra?” was the exact line from a cousin.

I was taught by this man in his thirties since the third. My love for biological science used to be at its peak. This brought him to a state where in order to teach me about my genitals, he would take my pants off and play his grimy hands on it. I was 12 years old when he jerked me for the first time. After about a year there came a point, I realized whatever is happening isn’t right. With a handful of courage, I told Mom about everything and he was fired.

In the 9^thstd, a packet of condom was found in my school bag(although that’s a different story of I being framed and pulled into this for standing against a group of alcoholic abusers). But who would even believe that? I was a grown up child and I knew what a condom is, that exactly means I brought the one to be used, or to sell maybe? ‘Condom Baba', the entire school would chant.

 

I was suspended for a month. After I was called back to school, in anger, the piece of craft I made was torn apart. I was pushed down the stairs and stepped on my wrist leaving me with a fractured ankle and wrist. Two years I was the one sitting alone, feeling like an untouchable. I gave up writing since then. College continued with the same mockery and bullying. 

There has always been a lump in my throat of all the words I couldn’t say and thus, I decided to resuscitate writing once again. On Instagram I’ve got to learn more from being here, found some good mates who have shown their love.

There are so many days a pain lingers through my chest and within all the restless nights, the only blanket I hide myself into the darkness with is – words. That’s all I have right now." - Ronak Ram.