TRIGGER WARNING : Sexual Abuse
"After my parents' divorce, when I was less than 4, my grandparents raised me. My father was not to be blamed because he still does not know what a divorce means as he had impaired hearing since birth and couldn't complete school education after 7th Grade because education system for differently abled wasn't that advanced during his time and he had been a victim of bullying numerous times.
So, while he still continued to remain a child at heart and had to undergo divorce because my mother wanted a new life, my grandparents took charge of raising me. They nurtured me relentlessly with love, compassion and support that I probably will never be able to repay no matter what. Mama ( my grandmother) was very fond of my voice so she put me into classical singing just after I started school . I used to ace all the music competitions and her happiness knew no bounds.
I was sexually abused by my music teacher for more than a year when I was 9 till I was running 11. And meanwhile, my father was also undergoing another divorce from my stepmother who never really was involved in a significant way for me to talk about things that were affecting me mentally. So till I was 11, I had been a victim of sexual abuse by multiple people including relatives and a domestic help.
I was utterly confused with what was going on. At first, I did not understand why these things were happening to me when nobody was around and next when I figured that these things were wrong, I did not know how to address and whom to address about these matters with the fear that maybe I will be held responsible. These incidents resulted in deep seated scars within me for years. I had developed difficulty speaking up about things even the kinds children around me could talk about like for instance, I hated how our Maths teacher would just hop on to next chapters by taking feedback from people who were already good in Maths. So everytime I failed in maths, my grandparents were ashamed of me and I would just promise them to do better next time while neither them nor I could see what was demanding serious attention.
With challenges like, losing Mama at 13, being an average student and carrying a heavy bag of trauma with you around for years which made you look just stupid, I managed to pass my 10th grade with a 52 in Maths and I got a national scholarship in classical music. I burnt the scholarship renewal and that was the end of classical music for me, for good.
One day, my aunt suggested that I should opt for Humanities and take Psychology. My life took a strange turn. I was suddenly so much into it that the journey from my 11th grade till MPhil in Clinical Psychology was a result of pure interest and passion. This field made me revisit all my unresolved conflicts that I was carrying with me before and I was inclined to analyze them and give closure to them over the period of 10 years I spent with Psychology and more to come hopefully.
It's not like challenges ended when I chose this subject out of curiosity. Challenges, losses and rejections felt more natural. Spending time with myself didn't appear like loneliness that needed mending. And lastly, mindfully observing growth and being patient was a warm embrace.Because understanding a human mind introduces you to introspection and compassion for yourself and others.Which eventually let's you understand the value of a choice :) " - Shivanee Tripathy.
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